There is Absolutely No Truth to Allegations of New Years Revelry

People of the internet! Listen: I had a quiet new years eve at home.  I would like to state that I had nothing at all to do with the wild party which engulfed three blocks of east Houston last night. The stretch Hummer limo filled with empty jeroboams of Mumms is entirely apocryphal. There are, to my knowledge, no photographs of my person in or near an illegal dance party on the roof of the BP tower. I challenge anyone to produce a witness who will testify that I was a member of the masked group of nude revelers who later that evening paraded through Rice University with various fireworks. And despite whatever you may read on Facebook, I was not at a swamp gator BBQ and moonshine punch bonfire. You can ask my father, we had a quiet dinner at home, and we were all in bed by 10pm. I swear.