Decay in Perforated Pastry Units

The donuts in my office appear to be radioactive. The box they come in must be brightly and garishly colored as a warning, and the pastry units themselves have highly unstable non-Euclidean torsion topography. Experimental study has revealed that these donuts appear to have a half-life of approximately three hours. When 24 units arrive, a quantitative survey approximately three hours later reveals only 12 in the box. T+six hours later, there are only six donuts remaining. When less than a donut remains, an odd phenomena occurs where the unit begins to lose percentages of its own mass. Eventually, the formerly full box of “hot” donuts has decayed to a pile of glazed crumbs.

 

Exposure to these donuts has immediate physiological and psychological effects. Without proper shielding provided by the cardboard box, close proximity results in gastric convulsions and increased salivation. Short term exposure to donuts results in mild euphoria, followed by torpor. Long term or severe exposure to donuts can have devastating effects including decreased stamina, sluggishness, and weight gain.

 

Current studies are being undertaken on alternatives to find a more stable perforated pastry, such a bagel, with a half-life nearly five times as long as a donut, but so far there has been little success in extracting as much energy as a donut provides. Calls for increased yogurt funding have been dismissed as an even less productive alternative than the bagels.