mirror, mirror

Blogging, apparently, is a means of expression for me in ways that I'm not even aware of.

I re-read the last three or four posts about my visits to Houston and Oklahoma, and they are truly pure acid. My dad characterized them (generously) as "wry and dry."

I would like to add that my past posts have completely misconstrued my visit- it was beyond wonderful to be welcomed and reconnect with family. Whatever gifts I may have, whatever luck has followed me (or what I have created) pales in comparison to the gifts of my family. Regardless of what I have said about Oklahoma and Houston, I will return there again and again.

Honestly, I have been depressed ever since my final presentation. The bittersweetness of completing graduate school did not give way to jubilation or satisfaction of a mission accomplished, or excitement for the open road. I have found great success with what I came to St. Louis to do, and I even grew to cherish this city which at first I was disliked. But now I see the horizon with dread. Financially, I cannot survive more than two months. My commitments, to say nothing of my finances, will not permit international travel. Although I have not applied, I have little hope of finding an internship or work which for the nine months Saori will be in Germany. Actually, I think my chances might be good if I just go out an apply, but I have found it difficult to move forward in such a depressed state.

I do not want to go work in Boston right now, alone, and face that bitter cold weather and the expensive city, but I kind of feel like there's really no alternative. It's crap, of course: there are alternatives. Either grandmother would take me in for nine months, cat included. Same for my dad in Houston. I could probably find work there. Even phoenix has potential.

I guess I just need to get over myself and realize that no one is just going to thrust a ticket to Hong Kong and a job at me, especially if I don't at least put myself out there. So: apply! apply apply apply! And lighten the hell up.